RED FLAGS: How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People in Your Life by Wendy L. Patrick Ph.D.

When you're reading one book, and you go to another and think, "This reminds me of the last book I just read," it feels like a wonderful text-to-text moment. You're able to see the connections from one read to the next, and it brings what you read to an even more mind-blowing place. Because you find that the experiences, wisdom, and knowledge are being taken to a whole new level and have another author's voice to back up what you're learning.

That is an amazing experience. It gives me the chills when I think of the handful of times that's happened, and the reasons why something in one book strikes me as connecting with something I read in another book. I love it!

So, what are these two books, you ask? Well, they are the two books that I'm posting reviews for simultaneously today. The other review might have caught your eye already: Nobody's Victim by Carrie Goldberg, and this book Red Flags by Wendy L. Patrick Ph.D.

How are they similar?

Well, let's start with the obvious. Both are written by professional lawyers at the top of their fields. As you find out in the other review, Carrie Goldberg is lawyer who fights against those she calls the psychos, stalkers, pervs, and trolls. Her team defends and represents those who have been sexually abused, stalked, cyberbullies, harassed, and had revenge porn leveraged against them.

Likewise, Wendy L. Patrick Ph.D. is a prosecutor for San Diego County District in San Diego, California, that tries to take the criminals off the streets, and those same scary psychos, stalkers, pervs, and trolls end up in her own courtroom. Dr. Patrick is not only a political force in her own right, but she also shares her own commentary on the legal and lifestyle aspects of her job through motivational speaking as well as sexual assault training.

Her list of credentials include a degree as an ethics professor, a PhD in Theology, and is known as a threat assessor and behavioral expert. She shares her knowledge with others through workshop and keynote programs. Now, she has added author to her successful ventures. Besides Red Flags, she also co-authored Reading People by Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, PhD.

Stepping into the written world, Dr. Patrick shares with us the red flags she has assessed over the years as a lawyer. These red flags are the glaring signs of deception or danger we should be aware of when dealing with harmful and criminally minded people. Her awareness of these flags came up through her one hundred and fifty trials where she dealt with hate crimes, domestic violence, and first-degree murder.

Dr. Patrick is involved in the Special Operations Division, co-chair of the statewide California District Attorneys Association Human Trafficking Committee, and president of the Association of Threat Assessment Professionals San Diego Chapter. Within these three programs, she handles sensitive cases and takes stock of threat assessments. Her history includes working in the Sex Crimes and Human Trafficking Division, San Diego Domestic Violence Council, the San Diego Child Protection Team, and the Sexual Assault Response Team, where she "prosecuted sexually violent predators, human traffickers, stalkers, rapists, and child molesters" American Law Institute.

As a result, like Carrie Goldberg, Dr. Patrick has become an expert in her field and has shared her knowledge internationally. She has a wide range of understanding those who have participated in and promoted sexual abuse, human trafficking, domestic violence, and child molestation. Her work hits close to where Goldberg picks up the gauntlet and marches forth. These are two women who are taking their voices, knowledge, information, resources, and abilities to educate and share with the world at large. So, dear readers, please take note of these impressive women and their hard work. They are standing up for the rights of those being taken advantage of in some of the most serious crimes this world has seen.

Dr. Wendy Patrick has received the SART Response with a Heart Award from the Sexual Assault Response Team due to her professional experience and benefactions to the prosecution of sexual assaults. She has even been a media commentator for CNN, FOX, and other local/national news stations. She is a voice, like Carrie, for those who have been abused.

So far, I'm sure you can now see the similarities in these impressive, amazing, and wonderful women?

I was excited to see that there was another advocate for those being beleaguered by psychos, stalkers, pervs, and trolls. Dr. Patrick has her own names for those she discusses in her book: frenemies, underminers, and toxic people. Within Red Flags, Dr. Patrick is helping to show the most common character traits that these type of people have which can ultimately be dangerous. So, I'm going to dive into my review and share more about her book and what she reveals inside. Prepare to learn!

Numeric Breakdown:

1: didn't like it
2: it was okay
3. liked it
4. really liked it
5. it was amazing

1. Writing Style: 5/5
Dr. Patrick is conversational and straight-forward in her delivery of information just like Carrie Goldberg. She doesn't try to sugar-coat her experiences or what she and her own team have found out over the years from dealing with criminals in the courtroom. When necessary, Wendy describes what she sees, what it means for you and me, and how to spot the overall warning signs.

Her introduction lets readers into the learning immediately. She sets us up to see "why bad looks good" (pg 1). At once, we're let into the reason why this book was created. Too often, Dr. Patrick has witnessed clients who have had to deal with the people of the world who seem to be "too good to be true," and she shares that "in some cases, looking back...we see that they were" (pg1).

Too often, we're looking at the superficial. We see what other people want us to see. As Carrie Goldberg described in her book, Nobody's Victim, most of the people we end up being harassed, stalked, and destroyed by are the very ones that claim they love us. They were persuasive, charming, said and did the right thing when it was needed, but how much about them do we really know? We might argue that we know a lot about those we're involved with, but if you take a closer look, do you really know as much as you think you do?

All in all, this is a fast read with a great amount of information you might want to jot down for future reference. In fact, it's a good book to have on hand and refer back to as needed. However, take this author's note seriously as well, don't assume people are dangerous just because they have a few of these similar character traits, but don't be quick to dismiss what you see either. It's always good to be aware and to use that information to come to your own conclusions. The information in this book isn't to stroke everyone with the same brush, but instead, to give you the awareness you need for your own safety.

2. Text Organization: 5/5
Each chapter shares a new piece of information, including how to separate those that are dangerous from those that are desirable. The one puzzle-piece that Wendy Patrick always shares with us is that we have to be careful with the information we gather from this and other book. We have to use it as a piece of the whole picture because sometimes the people who really are good and true have some of these similar character traits. This isn't a one size fits all fountain of information.

Concise, thorough, logical, and understandable, Dr. Patrick breaks down the power of attraction, the attraction of power, the comfort of credibility, the pleasure of positive attention, the allure of affirmation, the seduction of similarity, how familiarity breeds contentment, the call of the wild, the temptation of the taboo, when dangerous is desirable, and when appearances are reality. Each of these chapters gives examples and shows an equal amount of expository information, description of the characteristics we're all familiar with, and the conversational narrative of the author.

This is a book to read. Even if you struggle with nonfiction, I can't help but encourage you to give this book a try. Its information and understanding is vital in the world we live in and see day to day. Those news stories aren't going to disappear, but if we have the information to assess what we're seeing, if we have the resources to understand why we feel something isn't right and trust our instincts, and if we know there are women out there ready to help us, I think we'll be a much more informed, safe, and battle-ready individual with which to be reckoned.

3. Overall Content: 5/5
Let me hit you with what I've been learning from this book. Now, this won't be a complete overview, which is why I encourage you to read the book for yourself, but I will touch base on several key points that I think are super important to know. This book has given me an eye-opening lesson in what I have witnessed myself in the world.

So, let's start with the acronym that Dr. Patrick gives her readers to help them see their friends, family, and potential loves in a realistic light. Consistently, we're not seeing the whole picture and miss the warning signs that people in our life show us right before the crazy starts.

You've heard it before, "appearances can be deceiving," but how many of us actually recall that saying when we really should? We might not be as perceptive as we should be. In the book, the introduction is an essential read. It starts by asking the reader a few questions, and asks, "how perceptive are you?"

I'm sure we all think we could be amateur detectives. In some way, we know we sensed, felt, or knew that so-and-so was a bad egg. However, did we really? And when we felt that intuition hit us, what did we do about it?

Sometimes, we're so quick to make excuses for people. They're tired. They've had a hard day. I shouldn't have said this stupid thing.

Sometimes, we take their bad behavior onto ourselves. I'm stupid. I'm wrong. I shouldn't have upset them. I shouldn't have asked them questions about this subject because I know they don't like it.

Sometimes, we allow the bad behavior to continue. Consequently, we smooth over the ruffled feathers; we allow ourselves to be coerced and manipulated and told what we are or what we aren't. We try so hard to fix the problems, fix ourselves, that we forget that there are TWO people in this relationship that seems to be going down hill. You can give as many excuses as you want, but in the end, Linkin' Park is right, and "it doesn't really matter."

Why?

Because when you accept bad behavior, repeatedly, and never see change from that person, then you are condoning the behavior. You aren't helping to give them a wake-up call, and you are potentially putting yourself in harm's way. You can't change someone, but you can call attention to their behavior, especially when it's dangerous. Bottom line, it isn't your fault they're acting the way they are. However, you can't allow yourself to continue being stuck in that relationship when it's unhealthy for you.

Here is how you know things seem a little bit rough and out of sync with what should be happening. Those questions I mentioned earlier? I'm going to list three of the fifteen, and I want you to ponder them. Dr. Patrick is making a very clear point here, and it lines up with her overall synopsis of what Red Flags are and how you should be looking at them.

1. The employee with the office next to you: Can you name five books on her bookshelf?

2. Your teenage daughter: Which social media sites (in addition to Facebook -- where she surprisingly accepted your friend request) is she on?

3. Your new cyberspace love interest: Where does he go after work? What does he do on weekends?

Have you taken some time to ponder them? Do you know the answers? If they don't fit your life, can you change the question up a little bit to fit what your life scenario is like? Do you know the answers then?

Basically, this is a small exercise in being perceptive. How much are you seeing and actually know? If you didn't know any of them, couldn't think of how to rephrase them to fit into your world and still wouldn't know the answers, then perhaps you might want to think about how much attention you're paying to those around you. Are they as harmless as they seem?

Dr. Patrick is a deputy district attorney, and as she likes to say, she reads red flags for a living. Her work with the Sex Crimes and Human Trafficking Division of the San Diego County District Attorney's Office has given her a clear edge over the rest of the public because she's seeing the red flags across from her on a daily basis. Her team and her are dedicated to not only being good prosecutors but in being great prosecutors, which she says starts with preventing a crime.

So, what is the acronym? FLAG stands for Focus, Lifestyle, Associations, and Goals. What do you know about these four points in the people closest to you? Why are they important? Well, the author. breaks that down further for readers.

Focus is what captures a person's attention and how they focus on themselves and others. Are they talking all about themselves, or do they want to know something about you, too? What is the focus of their conversational topics? Are any of these topics something that you feel uncomfortable hearing or don't want to discuss or might make the other person seem rude, demanding, demeaning, or uncouth?

Lifestyle is how that person spends their time and what their interests and hobbies are. Do those align with your own? Are these solitary pursuits? How do they feel about health, fitness, and discipline? Where is the emphasis of their personal relationships?

Associations are the company that we keep on a consistent basis. What kind of company do they keep, and does that company consist of coworkers, peers, childhood friends, or cyber friends? What quality of time are they spending with their family? How would they describe their past relationships and the history of those they went out with? Where do they like to spend their time away from home?

Goals give you a glimpse into their longterm priorities. Are their goals selfish? Do they focus on fame and fortune? Do they want to help the world in some way and make a difference, or do they want to move up in the world as much as possible -- and don't care who gets hurt along the way? Is their goal to just finish the race or always win?

You might be catching on by now. When dealing with someone new, you want to get to know them gradually, but you should be aware of what might turn into red flags. You always want to "perceive as much as you can when you are most objective" (pg49) -- which says a lot in terms of first impressions. You should be "wary of underexposure: secrets should signal suspicion" (pg 49). Throughout a relationship, you want to "observe behavior over time" (pg 50) and be aware of those inconsistencies between words and actions.

With that being said, it's good to get perspective through a variety of backgrounds. You'll want to observe their behavior "in context and in different settings" (pg 50). In fact, call upon friends and family for their points of view. "Introduce new partners" (pg 50) in order to differentiate your objective view. Someone else might see or hear something that you didn't catch. "Trust but verify. Seek corroboration on and offline" (pg 50) about what kind of person your new friend, partner, or neighbor might be. Remember, not all that glitter's is gold.

Again, being proactive in how you view new acquaintances is ALWAYS a good thing, but please remember that no one is perfect. Sometimes, there can always be missed red flags. However, when you are knowledgable about the red flags and utilize them in your own relationships, you might end up saving yourself time, trouble, and a court date.

There is so much "meat" in the context of this book that it is difficult to do any of it justice. Like Nobody's Victim, you have to dive into the material for yourself and apply the information to your own life. Dr. Patrick does a credible job of showing you those wolves in sheep's clothing as well as how our preconceived ideas can shape why we think what we do about people who exude sex-appeal and power. She gives us a glimpse of the red flags to look for on a first date and why you should see horns when you are seeing a halo.

Using courtroom experience, personal experience, client experience, and the acronym for FLAG, Dr. Patrick walks you by the hand through what red flags in almost any situation might look like and how you can use this knowledge to paint a realistic picture of the person with which you're creating a relationship.

The content in this book is loaded. Despite its easy pace, the quick read aspect of its presentation, you're going to want to take some time to digest the scenarios, the red flags, the reasons why we overlook these red flags, and how we can be more aware and safe going forward. In the end, what you learn and apply is up to you.

4. Evaluation/Analysis of What I've Learned: 5/5
As I mentioned before, there's so much information in this book for readers to wrap their mind around. The way the author wades through it all helps her audience to understand and stay focused. It's important information, and in some ways, I'd even classify it as life-saving.

When I wrote the blog review for Nobody's Victim, I mentioned that the greatest place we can start is by being aware. If our knowledge can grow, we are one step ahead. If we can look for the signs of those that might do us harm, if we can help others see what to look for, if we can share resources and information and experiences, we are all one step closer to being safer.

I know you can't always be one hundred percent forewarned and forearmed. Sometimes, we are mistaken. Sometimes, we overlook the obvious. Sometimes, we don't listen to our close friends and family who see what we don't. Sometimes, emotions are quick to cloud judgements, but we can't give up when we make a mistake or fall short. This isn't about blame or shame. This is about being well-informed and taking that information and applying it to our lives.

That's where this book definitely comes in and gives us a solid resource to use when assessing a new relationship. Again, it's always good to remember that no one is perfect, and sometimes, people can have character traits that seem very similar to those that we might perceive as dangerous. That's when you look at the whole picture and use the focus, lifestyle, associations, and goals to look at the bigger picture.

For the information, writing style, and knowledge gained, I definitely give this book a 5/5 and highly recommend it to all readers.