Living Isn't for the Weak: Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis

It's constantly amazing to me to read a book about someone else's life or personal insights and have an ephiphany moment of saying, "That sounds like me!" It happens with fictional characters, who are the product of their writer's life and imagination, as well as those real flesh and blood humans walking around and trying to live their best life. I'm astounded at how easy it is to relate to others and feel a soft, warm glow inside at connecting with another being.

After all, I think the argument has been made by many, including Brené Brown, that we all just want to feel connected. In one form or another, consciously or subconsciously, we're all searching for the reflection of ourselves in others. Perhaps it's to finally get answers from another about how they've dealt with their personal struggles, or maybe it's to simply feel less alone.

In a sense, when our fellow man rises, we rise; when they fall, we fall. Those closest to us are embedded in our foundations. We build ourselves upon their words and actions. We see ourselves through their eyes. We struggle to reach the standard they have set, or we set a standard for ourselves to match what we see as their expectations for us.

My grandfather always called me "sharp as a tack" and took great pleasure in seeing me learn something new. Even when he passed, when I was seven, I found his words to be a constant guiding light in my life. My mother, his daughter, would repeat those words often to me, and she'd tell me how much he'd enjoy watching me do something and what a kick he'd get out of my personality.

Those words shaped me.

I might not have started out thinking it was so, but as I grew, I knew they were stashed inside of me. A constant reminder of someone's belief in me. He thought I was intelligent. He thought I was worthwhile. He saw something in me and made a positive statement about who I was, and it impacted my life to a huge degree.

Through his eyes, I wanted to be what he saw in me. Attempting to be perfect was my way of continuing his legacy. Every grade, evaluation, expectation, assessment, appraisal, estimation, opinion, and judgment was a chance for me to prove myself. It was an opportunity to show others I was worth it, that I was "smart as a tack."

This desire for connection, to be the unatainable "perfect," to be seen as someone of value was a leading factor in every part of my life, and it led me to be someone I didn't want to be at times. You know what I mean. You might be nodding along, even now, and agreeing. This might be something you've struggled with and fought for and depended on for the majority of your life.

The worst part?

Finding it within yourself to be okay when you don't succeed. It's one of the most arduous hurtles to overcome: that ability to let go of being perfect, when you know perfection is out of reach. Being able to be okay even when your circumstances aren't. Having a sense of peace and calm when life is eroding around you. 

How can you do that? How can I do that? How can we do that?

Well, don't look at me, because I don't have all the answers. I wish I did.

The effort, mental will-power, and sheer force of self weren't enough for me to achieve this state of perfection. Study all night, bake cookies for a friend, write a card to an aunt, put my soul into writing, take care of others, hug someone who's down, get an A on that test, keep your mouth shut, apologize for something stupid you said, be better, be smarter, be what they want... 

The "give" button was near to broken, pushed so many times, to just be what others expected. Still, even near exhaustion, I don't quit. Quitting, to me, is a sign of failure. But what do you do when you can't go on any longer?

People don't understand when you can't do anymore. Everyone presumes you are supposed to meet their verbal, mental, or standard assumptions without question. It's an unspoken rule that you have to be what other people expect you to be, react the way they expect you to react, and live the way they expect you to live.

Hello, Middle Ages, I see you've made a comeback.

Yet, you can't live that way. You have to strike out on your own and find what gives you peace, balance, and contentment. You are the main character in your own life story. If you can't keep it together, no one else will be able to do it for you.

That's why I write. I want to create characters who real-life people look at and say, "That's me" or "I say that" or "I do that" or "That's the type of person I want to become."

You all might know I'm a Captain America fan. Like, legit, love Chris Evans because of his Cap portrayal. If you aren't on my subscriber list, you just missed two lovely emails about my love of Captain America and Avengers: Endgame and the polls to go with them. That's me sharing my love.

Do you know why I love Captain America? Do you know why he started my superhero obsession? Do you know what it is about his character out of all other characters that hooked me from the start?

Well, let's look back to Captain America: The First Avenger.

There was a skinny kid who had health problems and couldn't sign up for the war. Someone with integrity, who wanted to help others and stand up for right. Someone who was trying to do the best he could but kept getting knocked down.

Sound familiar?

Isn't that what most of us are working toward in life? Being the best version of ourselves? I just shared a whole mini-life memoir above based on this concept and the words my grandfather spoke, which ingrained themselves into my character.

So, you know what I mean.

I saw myself in Captain America.

Not that I'm anything close to his level of commitment or courageness or goodness. Seriously. I don't have the dude's muscles for one. I don't think I could even attempt to maintain that level of fitness for long. After all, I'm comparing myself to Captain America, which Brené Brown would highly frown upon if you remember my review of her book The Gifts of Imperfection from last week. However, I have a point.

It isn't because I'm even close to being that personal standard of good that he epitomizes, but it's because I see we have the same desire underneath our difficulties, mistakes, and failures: the hope and need to be the best person we can be.

There's one scene that sticks out in my mind from that movie. No. It isn't the introduction of the Red Skull and how truly hilarious he looked. No. It isn't when the kid from Brooklyn, Steve Rogers, powered up through Dr. Abraham Erskine (played by the estimable Stanley Tucci) Super Soldier formula. 

Funny enough, it wasn't even when Dr. Erskine sat down with Steve Rogers the night before the experiment and shared with him his reasons for choosing Steve as the one -- because a "weak man knows the value of strength and knows compassion." Because Steve wasn't a "perfect soldier, but he was a good man." Which is the most beautiful explanation ever.

No. It wasn't any of those scenes that one could love, laugh at, and appreciate.

The scene that meant the most to me, the scene that touched my heart, the scene that connected to me on some spiritual level, the scene that I watched over and over again and made me officially become a Marvel fan...

That scene was when Steve Rogers saw a grenade rolling through his company's training ground, heard the shout-out from his superior, and instead of running away and hiding like everyone else -- which is the most honest reaction of every living being in the world and I'm in no way faulting them for that -- he jumped on it and shouted for everyone to get out of the way. He was the one of few who was willing to sacrifice himself for his fellow man. Also, the knew-it-all-along-smile on the Doctor's face after it happened was great.

It's for this reason that Captain America became my favorite Avenger.

I suppose you could say he was someone who reminded you of Jesus. He didn't just say the words; he lived them. For me, that's the type of person I want to be.

I know I'm a little ways from that still. Maybe a long way. However, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not trying to work toward my better self and stay "sharp as a tack."

This is one of the reasons I enjoy finding a book or author who helps me see the bright side, helps me find another way, grows my integrity, or gives me permission to be myself.

Last week, I shared how I found hope and the desire to get deliberate about cultivating authentic, wholehearted living. Author Brené Brown started me on that journey with her The Gifts of Imperfection, and I plan to read all of her books to learn more, grow, process, develop, and put into action those thought-processes she shares. I find it hard to see myself as courageous, but it's something I hope to become.

Seeing the impact of Brown's research and sharing has been amazing, and it has led me to another author who people are sharing has shined some light in their lives as well. Her first book, Girl, Wash Your Face, led to her second book.

It has been on the tongues of many readers, and I picked it up with the hopes of continuing to be inspired. Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis was it's own sort of wake-up-call. It blended the courage and action of stepping up to the same plate as my newly-beloved Brené Brown. In fact, I think I liked Rachel Hollis even better because she mentions Brown in her own book.

Basically, you feel as if the pieces of one author's work are matching up with another author's work to create this beautiful, complete picture of you. You're the one they're sharing this information for and the one who can take what they're teaching and implement it in your own life.

That's what I'm doing! Or trying to do.

“I believe we can change the world. But first, we’ve got to stop living in fear of being judged for who we are.” ~Rachel Hollis

This is the message in a two sentence synopsis. We have to be our authentic, wholehearted selves and "stop living in fear of being judged for who we are."

Who else sometimes feels afraid?

It's a vulnerable emotion that both Brown and Hollis explore in their work. It's wonderful to read one book and then the other and see how they connect and build off of each other. In fact, The Gifts of Imperfection and Girl, Stop Apologizing should be read together to obtain the maximum benefit of what these gals are trying to share with us.

I'm not going to lie and say what they share is easy. It isn't. You have to stand up for yourself in numerous ways to make your goals a reality. It's the work that you're willing to put into it. Are you ready for the challenge?

Rachel Hollis breaks her book down into Excuses that you need to Let Go Of (sound familiar -- hint: last week's review) and Behaviors that You Need to Adopt.

She starts with those things we tell ourselves, which keep us from even getting started on our goals and desires, such as "That's not what other women do" to "I don't have time" to "I'm not enough" (come on, do I need to draw any more arrows to Brené Brown?) to "I'm terrified of failure" to "I can't pursue my dream and still be a good mom, daughter, employee" to "It's been done before" and so on.


Do any of those voices in your head relate?

These are certainly things we all tell ourselves. We make ourselves sick with indecision and fear about even trying something new or different because we don't want to fail, risk ridicule, or be told it isn't good enough. The cycle continues, and it has to stop.

So, Hollis gives us some "Behaviors to Adopt" to help us get the ball rolling. She breaks down the reasons and ways we have to "stop asking permission," "choose one dream and go all in," "embrace your ambition," and "ask for help!"

What I also love is that she then gives you the steps to do those things in the last section called: "Skills to Acquire." She knows these things aren't going to come easy to us, at least not all of them. However, she doesn't want you giving up and going home. She wants you to stay in the fight and finish your course.

She's going to share her experience and understanding of how to develop and hold onto your planning, confidence, persistence, effectiveness, positivity, and lead-her-ship. Sometimes, you have to re-evaluate where you are and where you want to be. Having the opportunity to find your voice and share it with integrity, honesty, and courage is powerful.

I highly recommend Girl, Stop Apologizing for these reasons, and I absolutely think that if you're reading this book, you need to check out The Gifts of Imperfection and see how well they go hand-in-hand. These two books are a wonderful uplift to the soul. They're positive ways to get on your own path and develop who you want to become. Once you read it, you'll see why I rated it a 5/5 as well.

Remember, you are not alone. You are created with purpose. You have what it takes to become the person you want to be, that the world needs you to be. So, dig deep, step up to the plate, and learn how to get in the game.

Learn more about Rachel Hollis and her work.

Find her books on Amazon, Half Price Books, Barnes and Noble, and Goodreads.

Find her speeches with this link.

As always, thanks for joining me, and Happy Reading!

Picture found online @ DaisiesHeartBook